How to Chop an Onion….


…..With possible OCD and ADHD “tendencies” and maybe a slight bit of a “temper”:


  1. Stare at onion. Realize how much you hate cutting onions. They make you cry, but not the reason normal people cry.
  2. Recheck recipe and make sure the onion is absolutely necessary. If you can cancel the onion, read no further and carry on about your business.
  3. Recheck bank account to see if you can justify ordering in.
  4. Onion Powder! Don’t think it works that way and who knows what the conversion is for that.
  5. Ponder on already chopped frozen onions. Decide they are too watery and tasteless. Plus, that would involve a trip to the crowded store full of people. Negative.
  6. Maybe they have fresh chopped ones there? But, it’s still the store and that’s pretty lazy and wasteful.
  7. Think about getting down the food chopper. Decide against it when you realize you would have to get down the step stool. Plus, the food chopper itself is just something else to wash. You’d have to be quick to wash, dry and put up the blades before a kid catapults themselves on to the counter and stabs their eye out. I mean, anything could happen. Always be prepared for the worst case scenario. If it isn’t completely dry when you put it away, you are opening up your home to an insurgence of mold and mildew.
  8. Stare at onion. Pep talk! You can do this! You’ve cut up an onion a million times! You’re an excellent cook! Just go for it!
  9. Self doubt. Your husband says you’re the worst knife picker ever. That you always pick the wrong knife for the wrong situation. Wonder why your mother never taught you to chop correctly. Remember it was because she said your left-handedness was like a black curse hovering over her kitchen.
  10. Decide you are going to do it by hand. You love your family and they are worth it!
  11. Pick up the onion and carefully carry it to the trash can.
  12. Getting as low as you can in the trash can without getting too close to the sides or other trash, shake and pull all the skin off you can. Again, as close to the can as possible (without touching!). Those stupid pieces of skin like to float away in the air like dandelions. Then it will land on the floor, get picked up by someone’s sock, and the next thing you know you are sleeping with onions.
  13. Pick the correct knife. Hopefully. Make sure no one is watching.
  14. Cut the hair off both ends of the onion. Roots, whatever. Looks like hair to me.
  15. Go back to trash as carefully as before. Make sure every piece of skin is off. If it remains on the onion it will be in the skillet. Once in the dish, they are much easier to notice than their innards. The kids will detect onion and the gig is up.
  16. Peel off another layer, just to be sure.
  17. Rewash cutting board and knife. Wash onion. Cross contamination is real and it is unacceptable.
  18. Pick up knife and half that sucker!
  19. Stare in awe at the natural, geometrical beauty of wonder found growing in an onion.
  20. Calculate the correct positioning and angle needed to achieve maximum yield and symmetrical, tiny pieces of onion with the least amount of cuts.
  21. Recalculate
  22. Begin chopping you amazing chopper, you!
  23. Once a quarter way through, stop and admire the Baby Jesus of perfect onion pieces you have created. Decide there is too much on the cutting board and the chopped pieces must go into the skillet before you can continue. You can’t leave them there, because they are in your preferred chopping area. If you just move them, it will affect how you hold your knife.
  24. Leave the un-chopped pieces of onion on the cutting board. Don’t just sit them on the counter! Cross contamination! Remember! You don’t want to dirty up another plate or waste a paper towel for a 10 second use. Green is in, you trendy chopper!
  25. Gently hold the cutting board over the skillet and with your knife carefully scrape your flawless onions into the skillet.
  26. Drop half of the chopped onions on the stove.
  27. Cuss.
  28. Drop the un-chopped onions on the damn kitchen floor.
  29. Cuss some more.
  30. With your hands, throw the onions on the stove into their intended destination. The heat will cook off any germs or leftover crumbs.
  31. Pick onions up off floor. Wash them off.
  32. Consider starting over. Decline.
  33. Put the onions back on the cutting board and realize there is no way to find your perfect angle and direction again. Half of them fell apart anyway. Desperately try to accept these will not be uniformed.
  34. Pick up knife and start swinging it like the Swedish Chef.
  35. Recognize there are huge chunks that survived your bork bork bork chopping. Decide not to care.
  36. But the kids will notice and then they won’t eat.
  37. Yes they will! You are their parent! Make them!
  38. But do you really want to set yourself up for a dinner like that? Sounds stressful. You’ll just give in and let them eat something else. It will probably be processed and unhealthy.
  39. Why are you even talking in my list? This should be separate dialogue.
  40. I know, but I don’t want to break the continuity of the pretty, ordered numbers. Just try chopping one more time. You know you want to!
  41. I don’t care! They’re eating it! They can pick up the damn chunks and throw them at me for all I care at this point!
  42. Read next ingredient in recipe.
  43. Realize it involves peeling potatoes.
  44. Cry.

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