A Preemptive Parental Warning

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A Preemptive Warning

I know there are many posts throughout this amazing world we call the Interweb about texting fails. Usually they are autocorrects. I am so extremely guilty of this. If this were a punishable crime, I would be doing life in San Quentin singing some Johnny Cash songs.

cash use

Nothing like saying you are getting tanned, but tanned is replaced with rammed. I tried to tell my husband to pick up toilet paper once. It ended up asking him if he were metrosexual. This is by far one of my favorites:

autocorrect-crack

I told my BFF that a “big big storm” was rolling in. It said “big _ig storm” (First half of very derogatory word). Thank GOODNESS that one only went to her and she knows I’m not racist. Although it has been the butt of jokes for a while for us and she swears I need to leave the ghetto. How did my phone come up with that word? I have never used it! I have also never typed metrosexual. I was so much faster and more accurate when I had to press one, three times for C. I didn’t even have to look at the phone! Definitely not the case these days and heaven forbid I actually read something before I press send!

Proofread

This though, is a warning about preemptive texting. Preemptive texting is when your phone suggests words you may want to use next based on your previous conversations. An office-mate was totally amused with this once when she was bitching out her husband. She came to show me. She thought it meant she was justified in her argument. I knew it meant that I got to now judge her forever for always being so crappy to her husband. That’s pre-emptive texting.

This warning is specifically for parents. Kids use our phones! It happens. Then you decide that texting and driving is a really, really, really bad thing to do. But you HAVE to text someone while driving, doing carpool, running to the store, picking up sippy cups, slinging your arm to the back hoping to make contact with a misbehaving thigh, blasting the radio, and rolling a doobie. A girl only has so many hands! What’s she to do? BAM! You got a kid! A 12 year old kid that can text! You seriously, never knew when this whole parenthood thing was going to pay off, or if it ever would and then this happens. It is like the heavens are shining down on you when you realize all the task you can now delegate. It’s a beautiful thing! Although, I am not sure why I trust him. Below is an example of a normal texting conversation we would have:

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I was in the middle of texting extremely goofy things to my husband, because that’s what we do. This one started off with “I am now certain of two things. That the Anthony Bourdain sweepstakes was a hoax and Russian fishermen can’t read a map in any language.” Since this is very important, I needed my son to text my messages for me. He’s giggling a lot and I think it is just because I am hella amusing. Then he says “Well Mom! You sure do cuss a lot on this thing, don’t you?!” That’s it people! BUSTED! Busted by pre-emptive texting. The next thing I remember in my cloud of shame is my son saying “It won’t let me type ‘Duck’. It keeps ‘replacing’ it.”

Duck

 

Mom of the Year! #momoftheyear

At least it isn’t as bad as when my stepchildren had to call me from their mother’s phone about when to be at the airport. Apparently my name rhymed with “Hunt”. Super Classy.

 

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