Bear With Me Por Favor!

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Bear with me please!
I am so excited for the week ahead. I’ve been working really hard on getting the behind-the-scene stuff going properly. I will have more (hopefully) entertaining and fun things to share very soon! Well I do have it to share. Whether y’all think it is funny or entertaining is yet to be determined.
To be clear…. since I’ve had such an amazing response to my sans underwear post…. I said “bear” with me. Not “bare”. Please remain fully clothed. (I hope my husband reads this. I’m tired of sweeping up the hair.)
Much Love!
-Coco

DIY Air Freshener……. For the Non-Crafty

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CocoHipwood

non crafty

I suppose it would be best if I start with the reason we make our own air freshener. My 4 year old daughter and I have a problem. We are gaggers. We will, unfortunately, gag at the strangest of smells. Some smells you would agree are stinky, some would not bother normal people at all. Some you may even think smells yummy. For example; peanut butter- the smell of peanut butter makes me gag. My husband and son think it is hilarious to come and give me a big, wet smooch right after jamming a spoonful of disgusting peanut butter down their throats. I smell it before they even make contact. I start flinching and grabbing my stomach. I look like the Incredible Hulk trying not to turn. I give into this strange rhythmic jerking my family lovingly calls “The Peanut Butter Seizure” dance. After all that, I start the…

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DIY Air Freshener……. For the Non-Crafty

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non crafty

I suppose it would be best if I start with the reason we make our own air freshener. My 4 year old daughter and I have a problem. We are gaggers. We will, unfortunately, gag at the strangest of smells. Some smells you would agree are stinky, some would not bother normal people at all. Some you may even think smells yummy. For example; peanut butter- the smell of peanut butter makes me gag. My husband and son think it is hilarious to come and give me a big, wet smooch right after jamming a spoonful of disgusting peanut butter down their throats. I smell it before they even make contact. I start flinching and grabbing my stomach. I look like the Incredible Hulk trying not to turn. I give into this strange rhythmic jerking my family lovingly calls “The Peanut Butter Seizure” dance. After all that, I start the actual gagging. Having a gagging problem is both uncomfortable and very embarrassing. To see my little girl have this problem breaks my heart. It is hard breeding and raising children with sensitive princess noses. Lola actually gags at not only the smell of her own poo, but also the smell of her own pee. That’s right, she can’t stand the smell of herself. How rotten! She will be sitting on the potty with a tiny finger shoved up each tiny nostril, gagging away. Ever since she started potty training, we have been spraying air freshener for her every time she goes. She then caught on and started spraying it herself. You don’t have to be a crazy, environmental, granola-eating, green-loving, all-natural, hippy to realize there has to be some sort of danger when you see your child basically snorting Glade out of the can. Seriously, this can’t be good. I mean, if inhaling microwave popcorn fumes can supposedly cause cancer, I am scared to know what air freshener can do.

So I set out on a mission to make our own, much less toxic, air freshener. With a little help from Google and some friends, I found the perfect concoction. You can choose your own scent with essential oils. Choose any scent that floats your boat. I have always been a fan of lavender. The smell is sweet, but not too sweet, and very soothing. I use the lavender for linen spray, body spray, room spray and I even bathed my babies in lavender baby soap. It is supposed to “calm and soothe fussy babies”. Says so right on the bottle. That part is a crock of shit, but they did smell nice!  This however does work!

You only need a few ingredients:

  • A spray bottle
  • Your favorite essential oil (Again, we use lavender.)
  • Vodka
  • Water

That is all you need! Now, you don’t need to buy expensive vodka. You’re spraying it, not drinking it. You are just using it for the alcohol vapor to help carry the scent. So unless you just have to be one of those people (like the people that buy certain labels, just so other people can see you wear certain labels) buy the cheap vodka. By the way, if you are a “showy label person” we probably wouldn’t be friends in real life. I have tried making this before without the vodka and it doesn’t dry as fast nor carry the scent as well. For Lola’s own personal brew I do use a lot less vodka, if any. Mainly because I don’t want her to become an alcoholic at 4. She already enjoys dancing on tables and running around naked.  Plus, she’s the one that lost the last bottle we made. I still may find her chugging that one around the back of the shed someday. So much less or no vodka for the little lush.

You will want to use equal parts water and vodka. For a tiny spray bottle, about 3 ounces, most people use about 20 drops of essential oil. I use 40. I am a firm believer in over doing just about everything: make up, perfume, cleavage, the amount of cheese, chocolate, or butter one should use. It’s a Southern thing. If 20 drops is good, 40 must be even better! So with the giant bottle we just mixed up, I used about 100.

That’s it! You’re done! However, since I wanted to share this with y’all, I felt the need to make the bottles pretty. Again, a fan of over-doing, I truly went out of my way this time! …… I bought Modge Podge!

MP

That’s right! I am now the proud owner of Modge Podge and I also procured a couple pieces of pretty paper. I carefully measured, cut, and podged or modged (whatever) these mothers up! I was so stinking proud of myself! I am NOT a crafty person, or so I thought. I mean, I obviously have a newly discovered talent. I am an amazing Modge Podger!

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I then let 4 year old Lola (who was begging to be crafty too) do her hair de-tangler spray all by herself. I mean completely by herself and this is how it turned out……

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So obviously any idiot can Modge Podge. Not that she’s an idiot, she’s a genius (Not biased at all). No, her mom is the idiot. There is no talent involved in Modge Podging whatsoever.

Note: It is debatable if you should Modge Podge the bottles first or make the air freshener. I will just tell you I did the Modge Podge first. After pouring in the vodka and counting the lavender drops, I felt it was imperative that I check the state of the sealing going on at the bottom of the bottle.  I didn’t realize or care (or maybe I forgot how gravity works?) that I didn’t have the lid on the bottle, because I still needed to add the water. So I then dumped the lavender and vodka all over myself. This is the part when I say I am sorry for telling you not to buy expensive vodka because, this is the part you will want to start drinking it. I’m sorry about that label thing too. So since you can afford expensive labels and nice vodka and you are obviously a great sharer, I bet we will be fast friends!  Now, not only are you covered in alcohol and oil, you realize it also got on the outside of the podged bottle. Guess what strips Modge Podge? Alcohol.

Fix: Just take another shot for yourself, add lavender until it smells good, and add water until it is full. Re-podge the bottle.  Finally, you have amazing smelling and safe air freshener for your baby’s spoiled and sensitive nose! You can also move on with the rest of your night. You will want to leave the vodka out if your night includes falling on your ass when your favorite flip flop breaks and punching your hand through a kitchen window while trying to kill a fly. This is how the rest of my night went…. If only you could Modge Podge shoes and windows.

Not Good in an Underwear Crisis

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CocoHipwood

panties

I had to take my 12 year old to get x-rays today on his knee. As we were waiting, I asked him if he had on clean underwear. He looked at me like I was a freak. Obviously he has never heard this before. I explained it is something moms or grandmas always tell you to do. “Make sure you have on clean underwear every day. You never know when you are going to end up at the doctor’s office.”

“You’re a mom! Why have you never told me that?” said my son raising a very good question.

“Do you have on clean underwear!?!?” I snapped.

“Well, yes.”

“Then don’t worry about it.” I huffed and shifted my shoulders away from him.

You see, I knew exactly why I had never told him this. It also reminded me of one of the last times I was at the doctor with…

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Eat or Be Eaten

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It’s bath time! One of the most enjoyable moments of the day for parents of young children. It washes the day off of everyone. You get to relish your bundle o’ joy while they are contained by four compact, little walls. You can sit on the toilet and look- there they are! Not going anywhere or getting into anything. Yay!

My husband is running the bath water and calls for Lola, our little girl. She comes running in doing the toddler shuffle. She is ready to de-robe, de-diaper, and jump on in! She’s excited. It was after Easter and our just turned 2 year old had gotten some super fun bath fizzies shaped like a duck. She lined up her fizzy duck with her rubber ducks. (Awe! She got my OCD! How cute!) Jones, my husband, helps her in the tub and tells her to sit down before we add the fizzy.

The fizzy goes in.

That is pretty much when all hell broke loose! The duck starts fizzing. The water changes color and begins to resemble a witch’s cauldron. The water actually looked like it was boiling. The baby starts screaming her head off. I think she thought she was being cooked! Well of course she did! Who created these damn things? I had visions of Elmer Fudd cooking Bugs Bunny in his kettle. That’s what Lola looked like. Except a lot less calm.

Pandemonium.

She is screeching like a banshee and just wants it to stop. I think my husband froze with panic. I was trying to get to our daughter when the unthinkable happened. That child looked at the half fizzed out duck and while screaming, picked it up…. and stuck it in her MOUTH!!!! That’s right, she put the damned duck in her mouth! She tried to eat the duck! Now she is literally foaming at the mouth, still screaming her head off. My still unmoving husband starts to scream too, then I did. It seemed like forever before I could get to her and grab the fizzy out of her mouth.

What on earth would possess a child to do something like this?! It came down to the most basic of animalistic instincts for survival; eat or be eaten. That’s it! That is all I could come up with! There’s always the dog that eats their own poop theory (GAG!), but that is generally so they don’t get in trouble. No, this was definitely more of a survival technique. Still, you would think that we as humans have evolved enough that this wouldn’t continue to be an innate trait. That’s when it hit me. All the theories and jokes about my husband’s “ancestry” must be true.

Jones is Lithuanian. Not like “Oh look what I found on Ancestry.com” centuries ago Lithuanian. His grandparents actually came over on the boat. However, that’s not the ancestry I am talking about. I am talking about the ancestry we like to call Sasquatch. Yep he’s definitely got some Yeti tendencies and physiognomies going on. Let’s just start with the hair. There’s a shit ton of hair. Everywhere! The hair on his back is so thick that Lola (now 4 years old) just noticed he has tattoos there a couple days ago. I’m not kidding. Side note: if your back is that hairy and you aren’t going to keep it shaved, why waste money on tattoos back there? Then, there are his arms. They are the longest arms I have ever seen. He is about 6’3, but I swear his arm span must be almost 7 foot. You know that famous picture? This one?

IN OCTOBER 1967, ROGER PATTERSON FILMED WHAT APPEARS TO BE A BIG

Well that actually isn’t the famous picture. That’s my husband on the beach in Costa Rica. We have several pictures like this. And this picture…

IN OCTOBER 1967, ROGER PATTERSON FILMED WHAT APPEARS TO BE A BIG

That’s Cousin Larry at the last Labor Day cookout.

His “imitation” howls are impeccable and I swear he can hear things no one else can hear. Certain frequencies and pitches cause his head to tilt in a “master’s whistling for me” kinda way. I won’t go into detail about his fascination with Chewbacca, but I will tell you that Chewy’s snorts and whines are very soothing to him. So this ongoing Neanderthal joke is no longer as funny as it used to be. I have obviously mated with an ape-like creature and now my precious baby daughter not only has his long arms, she has his animalistic inclinations. How am I going to explain to the other soccer parents that she can’t help that the sound of the ref’s whistle causes her to charge? Should I start shaving her legs and arms before she starts kindergarten?

Back to the bathtub.

Jones grabbed Lola and wrapped her in a towel. All she could do was cry, shake and say “Dat fizzy duck was cookin’ me!” over and over and over again. It was the most pitiful thing! I called poison control. I didn’t know if it was the same thing as bath salts that cause people to act like zombies. The last thing I needed was a baby zombie Sasquatch on the loose. I mean, two is hard enough! After dispatch stopped laughing and making me repeat my story (they were obviously cuing other people in to pick up the line for that evening’s entertainment) they told me she was fine and to keep an eye on her. As far as baths went after that, it was about two weeks before she took a bath without a meltdown, six months before we could add a few bubbles, and no one is ever allowed to bring any kind of bath fizzy back into this house. Ever. She also had quite a few stern words for that mean ol’ Easter Bunny too!

Hash Pipes and Ass Wipes

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weezer-logo(I do not have permission to use this photo. However I feel that if Weezer took the time to get to know me, they would think I am amazing and be totally OK with this. If I’m wrong, guess what… Weezer would still have contacted me. Win/Win.)

Could ya help a girl out? I need someone to help my husband and I settle a little dispute we have going here. My husband seems to thinks that “Hash Pipe” by Weezer is an inappropriate song to let our children listen to. I completely disagree. I mean, can anyone really understand what they are saying anyway? I thought they were saying “ass wipe” for years! Plus, it is important you teach your children about the dangers in the world like hash pipes and ass wipes. If you shield your children from the existence of hash pipes and ass wipes, it will be hard for them to recognize either. They may not have time to escape.

Don’t believe me? I have some really good examples. We try to be parents of children that love and respect everyone no matter their race, ethnicity, religion or sexuality. So what happened? My son spent the first several weeks of middle school being called a fruit cake. He just thought they knew he liked fruit or that they thought he was a little chubby. (Which I guess he was alright with, not sure.) Had we gone around calling people derogatory words like fruit cake and fag this would not have happened!

Another example: Bob Marley.  My whole family loves Bob! A lot! Do I partake of the ganja laid down before us from Jah Rastafari? Do we smoke the pipe of Haile Selassie I? No! Not at all! Not even close! We just love his music! He has great, positive, encouraging music. His and Ziggy’s kid’s albums are amazing. Ziggy even sings a hymn with Willie Nelson! (My worlds collided with jammin’ rainbows and redneck love the day I discovered that!) So my son decided he wanted to be Bob Marley for Halloween when he was 10. I let him. Then I started hearing the rumbling. How could I? What was I thinking? What kind of a parent am I? We must just be a bunch of pot heads. An adult actually said something to my son, who in turn, guess what….. Had absolutely NO IDEA what this adult was talking about! Weird as it is- you can listen to Bob Marley and not have to say a word to your kid about marijuana. Crazy huh? I also let him be Elvis one Halloween. No one had a problem with that. Guess which one of the two died from drug abuse. Did he need to know that Bob smoked weed? Absolutely not! Did I have to end up telling him? Yep. Why? Because judgmental people felt I needed to see the error in my parenting ways.

Another adult also felt the need to tell me that my son may have been exposed to porn and that any decent parent would turn their internet off at night. That my son had to be the one that shared these inappropriate images with their son, because hers wouldn’t do that. I mean, they go to church at least 2 times a week! (Always their go-to argument). Well since they found the web address in her son’s school pants (they don’t go to the same school) and since my son’s internet history involved looking up bible verses and the definition of dystopian society… it wasn’t him. Just because we don’t go to church every Sunday doesn’t mean we are heathens. So it was determined the porn leak came from…. You guessed it, the self-righteous pricks who turn their internet off at night! Way to go! Winner! Winner Chicken Dinner! Glad all that church, and judgment could help you to be the best parent ever!

So you see, we’ve tried to protect our kids, but it comes down to this. It isn’t things or situations from which you have to protect your kids. It’s other people! People that think they know what is best for your kid. Personally, I feel it is highly important that my kids know a good share of N.W.A.  You know, for conversational pieces when discussing the Freedom of Speech. Want a kid to really know about the dangers of drugs? Two words- Sid Vicious. Bam!  You’re job’s done there! I have tried to shield my kids from things, but I can’t keep them in a bubble forever. I would rather be the one to teach them about hash pipes and ass wipes.

~Coco Hipwood~

P.S. Since I thought they were saying “Ass Wipes” and not “Hash Pipes” I should probably look up the lyrics before OK’ing this. (Not that they even asked to hear it. It was just on in the car one day.) My husband had a valid point when he reminded me that I also thought “Beast of Burden” was Big Suburban; that Ozzy’s “Bark at the Moon” was Baklava; and don’t get me started on what I grew up thinking Stevie’s Nicks and Don Henley’s “Leather and Lace” said!

How to Chop an Onion….

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…..With possible OCD and ADHD “tendencies” and maybe a slight bit of a “temper”:

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  1. Stare at onion. Realize how much you hate cutting onions. They make you cry, but not the reason normal people cry.
  2. Recheck recipe and make sure the onion is absolutely necessary. If you can cancel the onion, read no further and carry on about your business.
  3. Recheck bank account to see if you can justify ordering in.
  4. Onion Powder! Don’t think it works that way and who knows what the conversion is for that.
  5. Ponder on already chopped frozen onions. Decide they are too watery and tasteless. Plus, that would involve a trip to the crowded store full of people. Negative.
  6. Maybe they have fresh chopped ones there? But, it’s still the store and that’s pretty lazy and wasteful.
  7. Think about getting down the food chopper. Decide against it when you realize you would have to get down the step stool. Plus, the food chopper itself is just something else to wash. You’d have to be quick to wash, dry and put up the blades before a kid catapults themselves on to the counter and stabs their eye out. I mean, anything could happen. Always be prepared for the worst case scenario. If it isn’t completely dry when you put it away, you are opening up your home to an insurgence of mold and mildew.
  8. Stare at onion. Pep talk! You can do this! You’ve cut up an onion a million times! You’re an excellent cook! Just go for it!
  9. Self doubt. Your husband says you’re the worst knife picker ever. That you always pick the wrong knife for the wrong situation. Wonder why your mother never taught you to chop correctly. Remember it was because she said your left-handedness was like a black curse hovering over her kitchen.
  10. Decide you are going to do it by hand. You love your family and they are worth it!
  11. Pick up the onion and carefully carry it to the trash can.
  12. Getting as low as you can in the trash can without getting too close to the sides or other trash, shake and pull all the skin off you can. Again, as close to the can as possible (without touching!). Those stupid pieces of skin like to float away in the air like dandelions. Then it will land on the floor, get picked up by someone’s sock, and the next thing you know you are sleeping with onions.
  13. Pick the correct knife. Hopefully. Make sure no one is watching.
  14. Cut the hair off both ends of the onion. Roots, whatever. Looks like hair to me.
  15. Go back to trash as carefully as before. Make sure every piece of skin is off. If it remains on the onion it will be in the skillet. Once in the dish, they are much easier to notice than their innards. The kids will detect onion and the gig is up.
  16. Peel off another layer, just to be sure.
  17. Rewash cutting board and knife. Wash onion. Cross contamination is real and it is unacceptable.
  18. Pick up knife and half that sucker!
  19. Stare in awe at the natural, geometrical beauty of wonder found growing in an onion.
  20. Calculate the correct positioning and angle needed to achieve maximum yield and symmetrical, tiny pieces of onion with the least amount of cuts.
  21. Recalculate
  22. Begin chopping you amazing chopper, you!
  23. Once a quarter way through, stop and admire the Baby Jesus of perfect onion pieces you have created. Decide there is too much on the cutting board and the chopped pieces must go into the skillet before you can continue. You can’t leave them there, because they are in your preferred chopping area. If you just move them, it will affect how you hold your knife.
  24. Leave the un-chopped pieces of onion on the cutting board. Don’t just sit them on the counter! Cross contamination! Remember! You don’t want to dirty up another plate or waste a paper towel for a 10 second use. Green is in, you trendy chopper!
  25. Gently hold the cutting board over the skillet and with your knife carefully scrape your flawless onions into the skillet.
  26. Drop half of the chopped onions on the stove.
  27. Cuss.
  28. Drop the un-chopped onions on the damn kitchen floor.
  29. Cuss some more.
  30. With your hands, throw the onions on the stove into their intended destination. The heat will cook off any germs or leftover crumbs.
  31. Pick onions up off floor. Wash them off.
  32. Consider starting over. Decline.
  33. Put the onions back on the cutting board and realize there is no way to find your perfect angle and direction again. Half of them fell apart anyway. Desperately try to accept these will not be uniformed.
  34. Pick up knife and start swinging it like the Swedish Chef.
  35. Recognize there are huge chunks that survived your bork bork bork chopping. Decide not to care.
  36. But the kids will notice and then they won’t eat.
  37. Yes they will! You are their parent! Make them!
  38. But do you really want to set yourself up for a dinner like that? Sounds stressful. You’ll just give in and let them eat something else. It will probably be processed and unhealthy.
  39. Why are you even talking in my list? This should be separate dialogue.
  40. I know, but I don’t want to break the continuity of the pretty, ordered numbers. Just try chopping one more time. You know you want to!
  41. I don’t care! They’re eating it! They can pick up the damn chunks and throw them at me for all I care at this point!
  42. Read next ingredient in recipe.
  43. Realize it involves peeling potatoes.
  44. Cry.